Friday, May 7, 2010

His Word Wednesday-Not This Week

I'll be transparent.  I just don't feel like writing His Word Wednesday this week.  With Mother's Day on Sunday and us having struggled with unexplained infertility for well over 6 years, this is a rough time for us.  I can honestly say it isn't as bad this year as it was last year.  Last year...I was late and just KNEW I was finally pregnant and what a great day to find out...on Mother's Day!  Instead, I did yet another pregnancy test only to have it be negative and then to start my cycle that day...I cried so hard I made myself sick.
I won't be doing that this year.  I don't think I'm pregnant.  I have almost come to terms with the fact that we probably won't be having kids.  I will cry but not as much, as hard, or as long as last year.  I will shake my fist at God and ask "Why?!?" again.  Then, I will anticipate Father's Day, cry again and then I'll be okay until next year.
This struggle, storm, whatever you want to call it has shaken my faith.  A couple of years ago I came to a point where I had to decide, for myself, if I would trust Him even if He never blessed us with children, the deepest desire of our hearts.  While walking though that storm, we were hit by another storm, rejection & abandonment by family members.  Two catagory 9 hurricanes in our lives at the same time (not actual hurricanes).  We have since seen the blessing of the family rejection and abandonment.  We have yet to see the blessing of the unexplained infertility.  Daily I wonder if we ever will this side of heaven.
Needless to say, this time of year is a struggle.  I can sit here and "count my blessings" and they are too numerous to count but I struggle with the one blessing we are missing out on.  Just being real.
We finished the baby room as a step of faith over a year ago.  We have the most beautiful, hand-made 3-in-1 crib and dresser/changing table I have ever seen.  My SIL and brother gave us their baby stuff since they are done having babies.  We have name books, What To Expect books, diapers (free samples), blankets, clothes, sheets, etc.  We are ready and it's a beautiful room!  It stays closed so I don't have a visual daily reminder of what we are missing out on.
So, I apologize for not writing up His Word Wednesday and I hope you will understand.

For all the mother's out there: Don't take your motherhood for granted!!!  Not everyone is as blessed as you are.  I hope and pray you have a beautiful Mother's Day!  If you are a Mother then you are the richest woman on earth.  :-)

Standing on His promises,
Mrs. Bubba

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